Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements
in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful
enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them.
I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check
when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write,
"Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up
to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark
their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to
get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there.
Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For
Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The
son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly.' I'm not
making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Men and women are different in the morning. The
men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it.
We just wake up and we want you. And the women
are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the
morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no
blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby
kicking. They say, 'Oh my God. He's kicking. Do you
wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over
there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your
stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my
God...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car
that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think
of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering
wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she
got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a
year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand
bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I
live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the
windows. I don't think we should give free room and
board to criminals. I think they should have to run
twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest
in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Can you believe how many award shows they have
now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo
Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped
it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
You know those shows where people call in and
vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's
always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to
call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know."
"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the
phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up,
looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up
for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy
probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into
phone) "I'm not in the mood."
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive
messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi! It's
a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope
you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of
being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the